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Teacher’s Interview
After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said,
“Let me see if I’ve got this right: You want me to… go into that room with all those kids,
1. correct their disruptive behavior,
2. observe them for signs of abuse,
3. monitor their dress habits,
4. censor their T-shirt messages,
5. and instill in them a love for learning.
You want me to..
6 – check their backpacks for weapons,
7 – wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and
8 – raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
You want me to….
9 – teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and
10 – how to register to vote,
11 – balance a checkbook, and
12 – apply for a job.
You want me to
13 – check their heads for lice,
14 – recognize signs of anti-social behavior, and
15 – make sure that they all pass the state exams.
You also want me to….
16 – provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and
17 – communicate regularly with their parents in English and Spanish by letter, telephone, conferences, email, homework hotline, web page, midterm newsletters, and report card.
You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You want me to do all this and then you tell me…… “I CAN’T PRAY!” Are you nuts?
What does one TRILLION dollars look like?
received via email, not my original work -BG
All this talk about “stimulus packages” and “bailouts”…
A billion dollars…
A hundred billion dollars…
Eight hundred billion dollars…
One TRILLION dollars…
What does that look like? I mean, these various numbers are tossed around like so many doggie treats, so I thought I’d take Google Sketchup out for a test drive and try to get a sense of what exactly a trillion dollars looks like.
We’ll start with a $100 dollar bill. Currently the largest U.S. denomination in general circulation. Most everyone has seen them, slighty fewer have owned them. Guaranteed to make friends wherever they go.
A packet of one hundred $100 bills is less than 1/2″ thick and contains $10,000. Fits in your pocket easily and is more than enough for a week or two of shamefully decadent fun.
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The Tiny Cabin
A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to
the Ozark Mountains of Arkansas and was on the first tour of
her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen
in her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.. ‘Anybody home?’ she asked.
‘Yep,’ came a kid’s voice through the door.
‘Is your father there?’ asked the social worker.
‘Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,’ said the kid.
‘Well, is your mother there?’ persisted the social worker.
‘Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,’ said the kid.
‘But,’ protested the social worker, ‘are you never together as a family?’
‘Sure, but not here,’ said the kid through the door. ‘This is the
Outhouse!’
A Groaner
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
‘Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.’
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, ‘Sure. I have this,’ and produces a tiny porcelain elephant , about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectlyformed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, ‘There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.’
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ‘I mean, what in the world is this?’
(folks, your gonna luv this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
‘It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man’s a Rolling Stone.’
Job at the Post Office
A man applies for a job at the Post Office. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says, “Just caffeine”
“Have you ever been in the service?”
“Yes,” he says. “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points toward employment,” and then asks, “are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes, an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
The interviewer tells the guy, “Ouch! That had to have hurt. The good news is, I can hire you right now.”
“Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don’t you want me to be here before 10 AM?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer reminds him. For the first two hours we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
Drill Sergeant Joe B. Fricks Rules For A Gunfight
1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap – life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap – funerals are expensive
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you’re probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.
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