Best of RODNEY DANGERFIELD’S ONE-LINERS

Posted on June 30, 2011 by Brian Gallimore
  • I was so poor growing up … if I wasn’t a boy… I’d have had nothing to play with.
  • A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over; nobody’s home. I went over. Nobody was home.
  • During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel .
  • One day I came home early from work … I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?”  He said “Because you came home early.”
  • It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
  • I was such an ugly kid…When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
  • I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
  • I was such an ugly baby…My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
  • I’m so ugly…My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
  • When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.”
  • I’m so ugly…My mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.
  • I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  • Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”
  • My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
  • I’m so ugly…I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.
  • I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said…”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
  • I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
  • With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
  • Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.
  • One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
  • I’m so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
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