President Obama graciously offered to take questions submitted via Twitter today, courtesy the #AskObama hashtag. Being an inquisitive sort, I decided to submit a few that have been nagging me.

Below are my favorites:  (click on full article above for more)

• An $8 billion high speed train leaves Chicago for Iowa City at 8:15am at 40mph. Why?
• How come you haven’t made unemployment illegal? #duh
• Instead of making cars get 62 mpg, why not 62 million mpg? Also, do something about the gravitational constant.
• Have you ever had a menial job, changed your own oil, or fixed a toilet?
• Subtract Malia’s age from the number of states. Multiply the result by the number of jobs saved or created.
• Math wasn’t your strong suit, was it?
• I let my Mexican drug lord license expire. Am I still eligible for the free machine gun program?
• When you’re visiting his volcano lair, does George Soros let you feed the laser sharks?
• The staffer who suggested this Twitter Town Hall is fired, isn’t he?
• Are you smart enough to create a problem so big that even you could not solve it?
• Why isn’t your cabinet unionized?
• If Joe Biden has a massive stroke, (a) do you have a replacement in mind, and (b) how would you tell?
• Is there any job you’d be better at than president?
• I understand you finally quit smoking. Do they make a patch for spending addicts too?
• Is this question racist?
• Why do you need permission to be clear, and not need permission to bomb Libya?
• On behalf of the entire US population: dude, WTF?
• Let’s say instead of winning the future, we end up in a tie. Do we then go to sudden death overtime?
• I just voted to increase my sobriety ceiling. Why won’t the bartender give me another drink?
• I really need to start living within my means. Do you recommend I start holding up banks or convenience stores?
• If ATMs are so bad, why do you keep treating me like one?
• Whose spending created your job?
• When you create jobs, why do always create them for Texas?
• Are strawmen cheaper when you buy them by the gross?
• How much CO2 is created by a burning straw man?
• Who are these “those who say”?
• This whole Twitter Town Hall thing is turning out to be another amateur disaster, isn’t it?
• If Eric Holder gets indicted in Operation Fast & Furious, should he get a civilian trial?
• If we eat the rich, what do we get for dessert?
• if punishing employers results in more employment, can you also punish beer makers?
• Psst… got any spare tix for the 2016 Chicago Olympics?
• Since you’ve doubled the number of wars, shouldn’t you be getting another Nobel Peace Prize?

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
–Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
–Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
–Conan O’Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
–Jay Leno

Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
–David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
–Jimmy Fallon

Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
–Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
–David Letterman

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, ‘Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head’.
‘Yep’, he replied. ‘That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.

Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .’ When asked why, he replied, ‘Because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.’

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’
Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’
The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’

Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, ‘Got any I. D. ?’
The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’
The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’
The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’

Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my earrings.

South Carolina
‘You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.’